My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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