first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
