I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
