Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
