You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
