Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
