happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
