At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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