I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
