I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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