: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
