So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
