Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
