I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
