I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
