Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
