also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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