recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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