My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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