We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
