omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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