Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
