I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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