i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I deserve this hangover.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
