quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I believe in your delicious
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
