i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
