she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
