he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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