Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
