Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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