I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
