this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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