the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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