Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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