i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
