Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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