So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
There's even glitter on my cock...
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