Will you blow on my dice?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
