i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
NoShamevember. You game?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
