Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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