i think i have two assholes
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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