the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
