saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
