I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
