I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
