I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
