Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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