Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
