glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
