If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
