I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
