guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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