i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
