I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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