I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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